The Best Present

  The Best Present

            I’m reminded daily, especially from my children, of one of the greatest gifts you can give a person.  The funny thing is, it doesn’t cost you a dime, yet it is something we almost always overlook.  Several years ago, I was teaching a six-week class to a group of people.  As a result of the class, the participants became very close to one another and became great friends. 

Some time after the class, one of the participants lost a loved one.  When it occurred, I immediately received calls from the concerned group members asking for my opinion on what to do.  Most were searching for some kind of profound wisdom from me on certain steps or strategies to take to help their dear friend out in her time of grief.  Most of them were shocked by the simplicity of my answer, which was neither profound nor contained certain steps to take or things to say in this certain situation.  My reply was, “Do nothing.”  Most of them stated, “What do you mean, do nothing?”  To which I replied, “ What does she need right now?”  Which was responded back with, “I don’t know. That's why I'm calling you!”  Then, I explained myself.

You see, in this situation, they could have DONE several things.  They could have taken her something to eat, cleaned her house, taken care of her children, taken her flowers, given her money or an array of other things.  All these things are great to do.  But, sometimes we miss the simplest and most profound gift of all – our presence.  Sometimes in the midst of our doing, we forget to just BE.  In this case, each one of them just showed up to BE with their dear friend. 

A few weeks later, I received a call from the lady who experienced the loss.  I laughed internally with joy when the first thing that came out of her mouth was the appreciation she expressed for all her friends just showing up and “BEING” with her.  Some of them stayed for hours to just sit and listen, to laugh and cry with her.  Nothing else.  In her words, “I don’t know how they knew what I needed, but it was such a healing gift for all of them to just bring themselves.” Sometimes, we don’t have to do anything. We just have to show up. 

Sometimes we don’t have to give anything outside ourselves. All we have to do is give ourselves.  We just have to show up and BE.  I always say: the best present you can give someone is your presence.

Be Well,

Eric

Human Nature vs. Woman Nature?

Human Nature vs. Woman Nature?

            I’m not sure if it was coincidence or not, but shortly after I got married, I learned a valuable lesson.  The lesson was this, there was human nature and then there was woman nature.  I can’t say that I have it completely figured out yet, but I have realized that a simple understanding of brain chemistry can go a long way between a man and a woman in overcoming many of the barriers in marital and parental relationships.  Here are some of the things I’ve learned through study and research, from the thousands of couples and families that I’ve worked with, and from my own experience.  Also, here’s what some of the differences are and what we can do about them.

            When the brain is at rest, research tells us, and every woman that has been around a man for any amount of time, is that when a man is at rest, 70% of his brain shuts down.  He stops thinking.  However, when a woman is at rest, 90% of her brain is typically still going.  The common scenario is then this: man sits down, puts on the TV, and shuts almost his full mental capacity down.  Enter the woman, who sits down and then proceeds to ask the man, “What are you thinking about?” 

            To which the man states, “Nothing.”

            “How could you not be thinking about anything?  You have to be thinking about something?!”  Then back and forth we go.  The lesson here is that he’s not just checking out on his wife, he’s checking out on the world, and it’s natural.  She’s not asking him things to annoy him on purpose; she really is thinking through things and is looking for someone to think through them with.

            When we take a look at structural differences within the brain, we are able to understand why there are other reasons we get into trouble with each other.  The amygdala, which is responsible for our emotional responses, tends to be significantly larger in men than in women, which engages men to seek out more risk-taking behaviors and be more emotionally reactive, sometimes quicker to anger.  The hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and calming the outpouring of stress from the amygdala, is significantly larger in women, which allows women to be more empathetic, comforting and to typically remember more.

            One last difference of importance is how the sexes process language.  Men usually process language on one side of their brain, which is why they usually quickly start the conversation and then quickly move on.  On the other hand, women usually process language on both sides of their brain, which is why they have a tendency, as men would say, to go on and on and on.

            With all these differences, can come great agony or great balance.  To create great balance and a more complementary team, practice some of the following:

1. Embrace one another’s differences.  Trying to change the other typically makes it worse.  Learn to enjoy the differences and the balance it can create for your marriage and for your children.
2.  Understanding one another – Instead of being unconsciously competitive with each other, move to be consciously complementary to each other.  Find time to focus on strengths and let your partner compensate for your shortcomings, making both of you stronger.  Then weaknesses become irrelevant and a higher level of physiological regulation occurs in the household. 
3. Don’t expect things to change if you’re not willing to change first.  If it’s peace you seek, be the first to be peaceful.  If you seek to be loved, love first.  If you need something from your mate, give them what they need first.
4.  For kids – Be succinct.  Kids, especially boys, have a tendency to listen to their fathers more because of the brevity of the conversation.  Sometimes kids can get overwhelmed by all the words.
5. For Kids - Validate and be compassionate.  Mothers have a tendency to listen more and be empathetic.  Instead of arguing, we could stand to learn from one another.
6.  For Women - “Land the plane, Darling.”  Get to the point and skip all the details. 
7. For Men – “Pump the brakes, Handyman.”  Don’t try to fix it all the time.  She just needs you to listen and validate.
8. Men and Women – Men don’t expect your wife to be your best buddy, and women don’t expect your husband to be your best girlfriend.
9. Find balance.  I believe we were created differently for a reason.  Instead of arguing and trying to change each other, search for the value of having the differences inside a household and the benefits of what it brings to marriage and parenting. 

To conclude, remember, knowing and doing are two different things.  Many of the items that I have reviewed, most people know.  Yet, most households still struggle with them.  To improve at understanding the differences, you have to practice, fail, and practice some more.

Be Well,

Eric

A Challenge for Father’s Day: Showing the Way

Showing the Way

If you have heard me speak, you have heard me tell of the dysfunctional relationship between my father and I when I was growing up.  I won’t get into the details, here, but needless to say, it wasn't pretty.  That’s not the point.  The point is, after being an angry, bitter person into my early twenties, I realized that he provided a great example for some things.  I am not excusing his behavior, nor would he, what I am saying is that he was able to show the way on things that I hold sacred in my family and which I believe are the building blocks of a strong family.  I’ll share some of those lessons here:

#1. His Bride was Priority.

            There was no doubt, at least to me, who was priority in our home. Our mother came first.  Even in his foulest moods, I can recall my father coming home and embracing my mother and kissing her.  Shortly after, we would run and hide if he was cranky, but he always made sure to greet her that way.  My brother and I dared not object or raise our voice to her in his presence, or we would be picking our teeth up off the floor, even if she were wrong.  But to his credit, he never swayed from making sure we knew the pecking order and her importance in our home.

#2. He Showed Up.

            To his credit, my father missed very few of my activities, which were plentiful between football, track, baseball, wrestling and other activities. He always seemed to be there.  There may have been some times where I didn't want him there, but he always managed to show up.  I still remember the day he missed one of my football games because he was going on a trip.  He actually apologized for having to leave.  I thought nothing of it at the time, until I got to college, when he and my mother showed up at away games in places like Michigan, Tennessee, and Kentucky.  They didn't have to come, and often times, I asked them not to because it would consume their entire weekend. But he showed up anyway.  I realized years ago, that before my son finished first grade, I had already missed more of my own kid’s events than my father had in all my years of growing up.  He showed up!

#3. He Always had My Back.

            Another great characteristic that I believe is essential for a healthy foundation of a family that my father displayed is loyalty.  I can remember one of my first run in’s with the law.  I thought I had my story and facts down fairly well the first few times they visited, but then I finally cracked and confessed to the crime I was accused of.  I was upset that I got caught, but I was also fearful of what my father would do once the officer left our home, to the point that I contemplated asking the officer to take me with him.  Although my father was furious, his questions after the officer left will forever live with me as a testament to his loyalty to me.  His questions were: “Why couldn't you tell me what really happened?” and with a tear in his eye, “Did you really think I’m that cruel that I would have ratted you out?”  Then he calmly said, “It would have been safe with me,” as he left the room to let me ponder those questions.   I’m not condoning lying to the authorities or unlawfulness.  The lesson I learned that day though, was that no matter what the circumstances were, he would never throw me under the bus.  It developed a trust that is an unbreakable bond.  He will always stand beside me, and he always has my back.

#4. He Owned It!

            One of my most hurtful and healing moments with my father was the last time he laid his hands (and belt buckle) on me.  In a moment of aggravation and anger, I hurt my little brother severely within earshot of where my father was tinkering in his work shed.   He came unglued!  It was the worst beating I ever had in my life.  After he had left my room for a period of time, he returned for what I feared was round 2 of a punishment that would make the most hardened criminal talk.  However, that was not the case.  He came in, with tears in his eyes, seemingly in more pain than I was, owned his negative actions and asked for forgiveness.  Even though all his anger did not go away that day, it was the last day he ever laid an angry hand on me.  That day, I believe rather than lashing out, blaming, or condemning someone else, he owned his own pain and hurt.  As a consequence, he started a healing process that is a great example still to this day. 

#5.  Little Things are Big Things.

            The last lesson that I learned from my father that I would like to share that I try to incorporate with my own children is that little things are big things.  It's usually not the big elaborate vacations (albeit enjoying!) or events that really stick in our kids’ heads when they recall times with us.  It’s often the simple, little things that find a way in our memory.  For example, my very first business trip I ever took, years and years ago, my father picked me up and chauffeured me to the airport.  As he dropped me off, he handed me a note, with a verbal instruction not to read until I got on the plane.  I complied with his request.  As the plane took off, I quickly reached for the handwritten note he had given me.  In his own words he stated, “I don't tell you enough, but I am proud of you.”  It wasn't a Caribbean Cruise or a new car he offered that day.  It was much more simple, but so profound.  That yellow lined piece of paper, which I carried in my wallet for years and now sits in a lock box, is one of my greatest treasures.  Sometimes, simple is superior.

I said all that to get to here.  I couldn't see everything good that my father did well until I stopped being angry, until I stopped being a victim, until I stepped out of my fear.  Funny thing is, the more I did just that, so did my father.  Today we have a great relationship, and I treasure the time I have together with my father.  He’s also gotten the chance to try again with his grandchildren!  And he’s doing a great job!  So, as an exercise to you on this father’s day week, I would challenge you to look at your own relationship with your own father.  Let us show the way for our children and grandchildren by offering forgiveness of past hurts, not dwelling on the past, seeing nuggets of truth and love in seemingly negative circumstances, being loyal to those we love, becoming involved in their lives, owning and taking responsibility for what is ours.  All the while, keeping it simple and sweet.  In closing, I would like to take the lead in this challenge by saying to my own father, “Dad, I’m proud of you, and I’m glad you are my dad!  I think you’re awesome, man!  

Be well,

Eric