Recalibrate to Celebrate!

Recalibrate to Celebrate!

Photo By: Matt Reinbold

 

I believe it is safe to assume - with an extremely miniscule number of exceptions - that as a child enters the world, he or she does so surrounded by abundant, boundless love.

After many months of gestation, it's time for a celebration.  Anything can happen, of course, but as that infant emerges, can there be a more joyous electricity in the air?  Can any other event in life come close to matching the explosive outpouring of affection and gratitude?

So, if we're born into a place of abundance, with unbounded love surrounding us, how does that get turned around and misdirected as we grow up?  Why do we get raised into poverty by concentrating on what we lack?

That is not the equation for happiness, contentment, and peace on our lives.  We need to recalibrate that equation back to a bias for gratitude, acceptance, patience, respect, and love.

In my travels with the Center for Victory, I've been blessed to meet people from all over the world, in all walks of life, and from every point on the economic spectrum.  I can tell you with absolute certainty that many people living in tents in remotest Africa with barely enough to scrape by are happier than executives in Manhattan upset that they're "only" making $600,000 and not $800,000 a year.

There's a word for this.  "Insane," I believe it's called, "Unnecessary" may fit the bill, too.

Recalibrate the equation in your life.  Don't waste another second dwelling in remorse or regret by trying to live someone else's life.  Happiness is always a choice.  The Creator tells us over and over that we are hard-wired for love.  Act on that wisdom.  Focus on what you have - the people who value and accept and love you.  Just like when you were a little baby and were celebrated with joy.

~Eric

Love or Fear?

Love or Fear?

Photo By: Andre Bohrer

It's been said time and again that some of the funniest comedians come from some of the saddest backgrounds.  Professional funny man Jim Carrey may not completely agree with that assessment in his case, but he cited a specific event in his childhood that has affected his outlook as an adult.

In a commencement address to the Maharishi University of Management in May 2014, Carrey spoke about lessons he learned by observing his late father - lessons that took him from the depths of poverty and lack to the very heights of fame and fortune.

"All that will ever be is what's happening here, and the decisions we make in this moment, which are based on either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality," Carrey said.

"My father could have been a great comedian but he didn't believe that was possible for him, so he made a conservative choice," he continued.  "Instead, he got a 'safe' job as an accountant.  But when I was 12 years old he was let go from that 'safe' job, and our family had to do whatever we could to survive. 

I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which is that you can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.

What a powerful statement!  Knowing that there are no guarantees in life, why not live for love - by pursuing what makes you happy, inspired, challenged - instead of living in fear, playing it "safe," merely existing at a level below your potential? 

It's the same fundamental life choice we talk about so often at the Center for Victory - love or fear?  What Carrey told his audience of graduates about to take on the world contains all the truth any of us needs to live the life we were born to lead:  You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.

Never Surrender!

Never Surrender!

Photo by: BK (flickr)

 

"We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

With those stirring words, heard over millions of scratchy radio receivers, Sir Winston Churchill rallied the British population against the bombs raining down upon them by Nazi Germany during World War II.

Thank Heaven we don't face those same realities in our own lives today, but the fighting spirit of Churchill - the flinty, defiant cry to "never surrender" - still rings true on a personal level for many.

A great part of our work at the Center for Victory revolves around helping individuals realize their potential, and the fact that one's own potential is within one's own control.  You can overcome the hurts of the past, the misguided guidance of a parent, the seeming unfairness of the workplace, if you decide to change your own personal story.

To refuse to be defined by other people's perceptions or actions or intentions toward you is where victory begins.  Learning to shed those old definitions - if they cause pain or regret - takes courage, focus, and determination.  But the journey is well worth the effort.

The path toward living a life based on love - starting with a love of oneself, which naturally and supernaturally blossoms into the reciprocated love of others - may not be simple, or easy, or without its own hurdles.  Yet making the commitment and sticking with it promises to pay dividends you can hardly imagine.

Redirect your outlook.  Live based on love.  Commit to the journey.  And never, ever, ever surrender.

~Eric

Way to Go, Left Shark!

Way to Go, Left Shark!

AP Photo/David J. Phillip, File

The Super Bowl, played on Feb. 1, turned out to be the most-watched television show of all time.  While that might make anyone who appeared on the telecast pretty happy, there may have been one exception.

Left Shark.

During singer Katy Perry's halftime extravaganza, hired dancers in palm tree, surfboard, and beach ball costumes frolicked all over the stage to the beat.  Then, to either side of Ms. Perry, two blue-and-white "shark" dancers appeared. 

                                                                                                                    

While the one seen on the right seemed to have the choreography down pat, lunging and stepping and twirling right on cue, the one on the left looked, well, like a fish out of water.  Stumbling around, trying to mimic what Right Shark was doing so effortlessly, poor Left Shark left the 114.4 million people watching on TV simultaneously baffled and bemused.

"The sharks were originally supposed to be dancers from Mesa Community College," wrote someone on social media later that night. "But 2-3 days before the performance Katy decided she wanted her own people in costume. ... The worst part is the MCC dancers had been practicing it for much longer and definitely knew it better at least in my opinion."  Um, yeah, you might say that.

Yet, let's think about this for a second.  What did Left Shark do that was so wrong, really?  Having little or no idea of what the actual dance steps called for, he may have just decided to go with the flow.  Groove to the Katy Perry song.  Have a good old time, and just stay out of the star's way.  Is that so terrible?

Nobody got hurt, people got a chuckle, and whoever was inside that costume had the chance to get his (or her) groove on in front of the largest audience in history.  All in all, not a bad way to spend five minutes.

Sometimes, like the old cliché says, when you're stuck with lemons, make lemonade.  Way to go, Left Shark!

~Eric

Finishing Some Unfinished Business!

Finishing Some Unfinished Business!

Photo By: post bear (flckr)

In these early days of a new year, people resolve to accomplish many things.  To lose weight.  To get out of debt.  To restore broken family ties.  All admirable goals, but how many have been forgotten, buried under a foot of emotional snow, by Valentine's Day?

When resolutions morph into no-solutions, it's perhaps time to look a little deeper inside - the only place from which any outward improvement can begin.  One key comes in not letting the behavior of others toward you affect how you behave.  Emotional flexibility illuminates and enables this process.

Emotional flexibility uses the knowledge and strength to not react to the irrational or uncharitable behaviors of others, but instead to respond to them in ways that both preserve your dignity and model a better approach to others. 

Easy to say, but tough to do, because our society has drilled into our brains an expectation of emotional reactivity.  After all, aren't we supposed to react to behavior that hurts or offends?  Answer: No, because reacting to undesirable behavior only spawns more undesirable behavior.

All emotional reactivity stems from unfinished business.  When I react to someone, I enable him or her to continue to act the way they act.  I become responsible for their behavior.  I have granted permission for that behavior to continue.  Put it this way - by escalating the volume of your voice and the level of your anger to that of the person who's provoking you, all you're doing is dropping to that person's level.  The situation isn't getting better; it's getting worse.

Would you ever try to put your spouse into a behavior-change program?  Probably not.  So why do parents try to do this to a child?  Or a supervisor to an employee?  That only makes more work for parent or the supervisor, because from that point on, the child or the employee has free reign to blame them for any subsequent behavior.  Get rid of that unfinished business.  Finish it, by responding, not reacting.  They're two different things, with vastly different results.

You want to make a meaningful resolution this year?  Then resolve to live your own life.  Don't let other people steer your car by falling victim to their behaviors and attitudes.  Take the wheel, chart your course, and hit the gas.  Emotional flexibility means claiming your right to the freedom available to enjoy the journey.  

~Eric

I'm Flying!

I'm Flying!

Photo By: Abhinay Omkar

Recently, the NBC television network broadcast a live performance of the musical "Peter Pan."  In one of the play's most exciting scenes, Peter Pan shows the Darling children how to fly.  The secret, he says, is to "Think very happy thoughts."

Wendy, Michael, and John do just that, and - with the help of some wire harnesses - they start to fly around their nursery and eventually off to Neverland.  Now, while no one expects to literally leave the ground while doing so, "thinking very happy thoughts" isn't all that bad an idea.

Your brain has a reticular activating system (RAS).  This RAS controls where your thoughts concentrate.  It acts like a furnace, or a wood burner.  Your RAS will feed on whatever you give it.  The RAS generates the instructions you give yourself. 

You can choose to let positive thoughts become the Velcro of your mind.  The ones that stick.  The negative stuff can slide, Teflon-like, right off.  But you need to make the right choice.  Your RAS needs to know which direction to take you. 

You can think happy, positive thoughts, but if you don't feel them - if your thoughts can't get you across the line into not only an intellectual choice, but an emotional connection - then your life cannot truly change.  It's an incomplete process.  You can become stifled with ideas like, "I've made so many mistakes that I don't deserve to be happy."  Your instructions must become your reality, as driven by your RAS.

Whatever you give your RAS to focus on, the mind immediately focuses on those instructions.  The more you dwell on something - whether good or bad, positive or negative, real or imagined - the more you will focus on it.  This applies to anything in life - marriage, kids, work, other people, you name it.

It remains a self-motivated assignment to actively tweak your own RAS and mindset, if you want to make a meaningful and positive difference in how you approach people, decisions, and behaviors.  When you change the way you think about things, the way you think about things changes.  As Christ says in the New Testament, "As a man thinketh, so he is."  In practical terms, that means if you constantly tell yourself things are tough, that becomes your focus.

The limit of your language is the limit of your world.  Don't stay stuck in negative assumptions, like marriage is hard, relationships are hard, business is bad.  Make the choice - will you live with a victim mentality?  Or will you take Peter Pan's advice and take to heart the victor's mentality of thinking very happy thoughts?

~Eric

The Witness of 'Preacher'

The Witness of 'Preacher'

Photo By:Matthew Montgomery

We've all heard of people who suffer true physical and emotional abuse, then somehow escape it, but end up back in new relationships where the same behaviors come around again to hurt them as before. 

Why do people get stuck in these same cycles?  Any logical assessment would say to get out of there and stay out, but the victim mentality becomes engrained and imprinted emotionally.

"Preacher" was the nickname of a verbose young teenager whose behavior, language, and record of lashing out got him institutionalized, where he was regularly restrained.  Years ago as a counselor at the same facility, I got tired of dealing with this situation. 

It reached the point where, finally, I told him I was not going to wrestle him and hurt myself.  I said to Preacher one day, "If you want to be restrained, just get on the ground yourself" - and he did, without another word said.

No physical contact, no struggle, no battling or grappling.  Preacher had been so conditioned that he associated restraint with connection to another person who might care to hear, contemplate, understand, and act with compassion based on his story.  All I had to do was suggest it, and he complied.  It was stunning.

All Preacher wanted was connection.  The only way he knew to get it was to act out.  We went through this same unusual process two or three more times until we arrived at a place where we could talk calmly, sitting down, like regular people.

Our society can be so strange, I would say even illogical.  The story of victimhood we heap upon each other lingers and festers until it legitimately becomes your story in your mind - a story that takes determined effort and help to escape, clearing the way for a new, more positive and accurate story, to appear.

Grab hold of your personal story, and if you don't like where it leads, decide today to change it.  You have that power.  You have that voice.  You have that responsibility.  Preacher finally realized this, and it changed his life for the better.

~Eric

All About that Fearful and Wonderful

All About that Fearful and Wonderful

Photo By: Mary Brack

The American King James Bible cites Psalm 139:14 as follows:

I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are your works; and that my soul knows right well.

Believe it or not, I think what the Psalmist expressed all those centuries ago is much the same sentiment you may hear bouncing sprightly out of your car radio these days. 

Meghan Trainor, a 20-year-old pop singer, wrote a song called "All About That Bass" that uses an irresistible bubble-gum beat to blast away at unrealistic, damaging body issues that too many people - mostly females - suffer under in our society. 

The best line of her catchy, No. 1 tune comes when Trainor sings, "I'm here to tell you, every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top."

Every person ever born arrives with his or her own special stamp of beauty, both visible to the eye and experienced by the heart.  No one deserves to be made to feel unworthy, insufficient, lacking, or anything but a divine creation.

When the Psalmist says "I am fearfully made," that has also been translated in other versions of the Bible as being "amazingly made." And if you stop to think about how you are put together - how all of those disparate parts work in breathtaking harmony and fluidity, how food gets converted into energy by some internal miracle of chemistry, how blood serves as your inner transportation system, and how billions of tiny electrical explosions in that wrinkled block of jelly between your ears control it all - how could anyone say it's anything but amazing?

It's worth taking a moment to appreciate the astounding creation you are, and that everyone who has ever walked the earth, is.  We're all, truly, fearfully and wonderfully made, and no matter how big or small or fat or thin or plain-looking or stunningly gorgeous we may be as individuals - every inch of us, every one of us, is perfect from the bottom to the top.

Starring You

Starring You

Photo By: ARMLE

Did you ever think of your life as a movie?

You know, where you're the star, and there's a supporting cast of characters, and you overcome some obstacle and achieve your goal, and reach a happy ending?  Wouldn't that be a great movie?

No?  What do you mean, no?

Oh, you don't think there's enough of a story there.  Not sufficient drama.  Nobody would pay to see a movie about you.  Is that it?

Well, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong.  Completely wrong. Spectacularly wrong.  Every life tells a story.  You grow up and your parents, teachers, neighbors, and friends help form it.  It takes shape in your mind, and that story can either be one of hope, happiness, and confidence - or one of fear, hesitancy, and doubt.  As long as you hold onto it, it remains your story.

But here's where the dramatic part comes in.  If you don't like your story, or if you know that your story could be redirected, improved, made more positive and strong, you can change it.  It may take some courage.  It may take some risk.  It may take some faith.  But it can happen.

Think of scrawny Steve Rogers, who couldn't pass his physical to join the U.S. Army during World War II - but who refused to accept that story of weakness and failure, and instead volunteered to become Captain America. 

Think of Rocky Balboa, who eked out a living breaking bones for a Philadelphia loanshark and who fought in grimy clubs at night for a few bucks - but who refused to continue with that story, and earned his self-respect and the love of a girl on his way to the world heavyweight championship.

Yes, those are fictional characters, projected larger than life on 30-foot theater screens.  But the idea's the same.  If you don't like your story, you can change it.  Nobody else can do it.  Nobody else would even know where to start. 

But you do. You can. You must.

Every life tells a story. A story that would make a great movie.  Even your story.  But deciding to change it for the better will always be up to you. Today could be the day.

The Victor

The Victor

Photo By: daveynin

Life's an interesting journey.  With the peaks, you're going to have to get through some valleys.  Not much anybody can do to change that basic fact.  But you always - always - have the choice about how you will view, interpret, and deal with the highs and lows certain to come your way.  You can - and should, and deserve to, and will - live a life of victory, if you choose to.

And the essence comes down to a single, simple idea.  Simple to say, but a challenge to live out.  Choose love over fear.  Know who you are, and if you don't like that picture, change it.  Accept in your heart that you are beautiful, wonderful, and entitled to a life brimming over with happy, healthy relationships.  Once you know this in your heart, your mind will follow.

I discovered this poem in a book my Dad had on his bookshelf, "Think and Grow Rich," by Napoleon Hill, published around the time of the Great Depression.  We use it to close out our live interactive workshops at the Center for Victory. 

THE VICTOR

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win but think you can't, it's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you're lost.
For out of the world we find
SUCCESS BEGINS WITH A FELLOW'S WILL. 

It's all in the state of mind.
If you think you are outclassed, you are.
YOU'VE GOT TO THINK HIGH TO RISE.

You've got to be sure of yourself before you can ever win the prize.
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
IS THE MAN WHO THINKS HE CAN.

We're all called to live in a spirit of joy, happiness, and love.  We're all called to be divine.  To live the life of victory.  It happens when we choose to live based on love, not fear.

~Eric 

People or Stuff?

People or Stuff?

Photo By: Ryan and Sarah Deeds

The scenes are so familiar by now, that they have morphed into clichés. 

The Norman Rockwell painting of a traditional American Thanksgiving, with Grandma bringing the turkey to the crowded table full of extended family members.

The tradition of everyone "saying what they're thankful for" before digging into the late-autumn feast.

Watching parades in the morning and football in the afternoon in a relaxed family environment, with no deadlines, no pressure, no worries.

And the latest one - where large retail chain stores have convinced themselves that consumers' values have become so warped that time spent saving 20% on a video game player or a vacuum cleaner trumps time spent with the most important people in your life on Thanksgiving Day.

Are those companies right?  Where do our values lie?  With people?  Or stuff?

If it's with stuff, it can be easy to rationalize.  "I want to give the people I love the best."  But even that begs the question: The "best" what?  Toaster oven?

Here's the secret, gang.  What each of us needs is each other.  Period.  You want to give thanks this year?  Why wait for the fourth Thursday in November to do it?  Tell your spouse, your kids, your parents, your significant other, your co-workers, your neighbors, your friends, the nice lady at the supermarket checkout, your mailman - anybody at all - that you appreciate what they do and who they are and what they mean to you, any day you want to.  Even better, tell them every day!

The Beatles may have said it best: "Can't Buy Me Love."  Take a minute and think of the people who have loved you into the person you are today.  Then pick up the phone, walk into the next room, compose an e-mail, and tell them so.  Refocus Thanksgiving from holiday to everyday.

 

People or stuff?  The choice is yours.

 

What's the "Why?"

What's the "Why?"

"People don't buy what you do, but why you do it."  So says leadership expert Simon Sinek, whose 18-minute TED Talk* on this subject from 2009 has been seen by nearly 19 million people, and has been translated into 42 languages.

  

With those sorts of statistics behind him, Sinek's theory must hold some serious water. I believe it does, and I believe in what he is saying. Sinek holds up Apple as an example of a company that has succeeded and flourished in an otherwise crowded market, for one simple reason.

According to Sinek's analysis, Apple doesn't sell products - whether they be Mac laptop computers or iPhones or iPads or AppleTVs. Instead, Apple explains its beliefs, and people who share those beliefs want to be a part of what Apple is doing. Those are the people standing in line for days, waiting for the newest Apple innovation to be released.

In other words, Apple doesn't promote what it does, but why it does it - and the stunning results it has reaped speak for themselves.

I believe the same philosophy applies just as strongly to interpersonal relationships as it does in business. It's not so much what we do that attracts other people to our orbit, but why we do it.

What do we believe in?

Why are relationships with other people important to us?

Where are the common bonds that make us happy, comforted, and loved?

It's not the "what," or even the "how" of our behaviors and decisions and outcomes that matter most. It's always the "why." And when we can start from that perspective and live based on that philosophy, relationships can blossom and grow.

Your Verse

Your Verse

Photo from: Dead Poets Society

Of the many memorable lines from the 1989 film "Dead Poets Society," English professor John Keating offers this thought to his impressionable class of young men:
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. 'O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?' Answer -- That you are here -- that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on...and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

We all carry our own life "story" around with us. For some people, that story becomes a sack full of chains and weights and regrets and fears and self-loathing. A ton of baggage with no wheels that can become pretty tough to carry around, adding frustration and resentment that - like accumulated interest on a bank loan that gets added to principal, generating even more interest - only makes the load heavier in the long run.

Conversely, other people's stories can be light, both in weight and appearance. Filled with gratitude, hope, love, and optimism, these stories not only are easier to carry, but are meant to be shared and emulated.

Here's the secret. Yes, bad stuff happens. Everybody gets a turn in the barrel at one point or another in life. But, as Professor Keating whispered to his wide-eyed students, "The powerful play goes on...and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

What will your story be? It's always up to you. You may be going through tough times, but the good news is that you're going through them. You don't have to carry them around on your back forever. They don't have to be your story.

Make the change. Refuse to be mastered by fear and pessimism. Look for the reasons we stay alive for. Live for love. That's the story we all are meant to tell the world. That's what your verse can be.

~ Eric 

Look Out!

"Look Out!"

U.S. Navy photo by Photographer's Mate Airman Lilliana Lavende

When someone shouts, "Look out!" - your first instinct compels you to duck, cover your head, protect yourself.  Your brain rockets into self-preservation mode.

But I would suggest that you consider another view of that phrase.  Because to "look out" could also mean stepping away from a completely inward perspective.  Seeing more than yourself, and instead seeing other people, their needs, the emotional gaps in their lives, the ways in which they may be hurting - and to then act to alleviate those sources of discomfort, pain, and anxiety.

The late Joan Rivers exemplified this spirit of actively helping other people as a means of lessening her own personal pain.  Most people know Rivers as the raspy-voiced comedienne who had been on TV for decades, doing live stand-up comedy, and selling cosmetics and fashions on QVC.

But she was much more than those public personas.  Rivers had a favorite charity, "God's Love We Deliver," a non-profit organization in New York City that prepares and delivers nutritious, individually-tailored meals to people too sick to shop or cook for themselves.  For more than 25 years, she helped to cook and personally bring meals to countless people through the charity.  When she won first place on a season of "The Apprentice" television show, she donated her $500,000 prize to the group.

Perhaps the most remarkable part of this story, though, comes from the fact that Rivers' involvement in "God's Love We Deliver" began following the death of her husband, manager, and confidante, Edgar Rosenberg, by suicide in 1987.  In the depths of that despair, she refused to wallow in self-pity and depression.  The pain must have been enormous, but Rivers found a way up and out of that dark place by finding a way to see and help others.

The great faith traditions of the world agree on this.  The best way to "deliver God's love" to this spinning planet home of ours is to shift the focus off of ourselves exclusively.  To help other people with our time, talent, and treasure.  To silently shout inside our own minds: "Look out!"

 

Be Well,

~ Eric