Showing the Way
If you have heard me speak, you
have heard me tell of the dysfunctional relationship between my father and I
when I was growing up. I won’t get into
the details, here, but needless to say, it wasn't pretty. That’s not the point. The point is, after being an angry, bitter
person into my early twenties, I realized that he provided a great example for
some things. I am not excusing his
behavior, nor would he, what I am saying is that he was able to show the way on
things that I hold sacred in my family and which I believe are the building
blocks of a strong family. I’ll share
some of those lessons here:
#1. His Bride was
Priority.
There was
no doubt, at least to me, who was priority in our home. Our mother came
first. Even in his foulest moods, I can
recall my father coming home and embracing my mother and kissing her. Shortly after, we would run and hide if he
was cranky, but he always made sure to greet her that way. My brother and I dared not object or raise
our voice to her in his presence, or we would be picking our teeth up off the
floor, even if she were wrong. But to
his credit, he never swayed from making sure we knew the pecking order and her
importance in our home.
#2. He Showed Up.
To his
credit, my father missed very few of my activities, which were plentiful
between football, track, baseball, wrestling and other activities. He always
seemed to be there. There may have been
some times where I didn't want him there, but he always managed to show up. I still remember the day he missed one of my
football games because he was going on a trip.
He actually apologized for having to leave. I thought nothing of it at the time, until I
got to college, when he and my mother showed up at away games in places like
Michigan, Tennessee, and Kentucky. They
didn't have to come, and often times, I asked them not to because it would
consume their entire weekend. But he showed up anyway. I realized years ago, that before my son
finished first grade, I had already missed more of my own kid’s events than my
father had in all my years of growing up.
He showed up!
#3. He Always had My
Back.
Another
great characteristic that I believe is essential for a healthy foundation of a
family that my father displayed is loyalty.
I can remember one of my first run in’s with the law. I thought I had my story and facts down
fairly well the first few times they visited, but then I finally cracked and
confessed to the crime I was accused of.
I was upset that I got caught, but I was also fearful of what my father
would do once the officer left our home, to the point that I contemplated
asking the officer to take me with him.
Although my father was furious, his questions after the officer left will
forever live with me as a testament to his loyalty to me. His questions were: “Why couldn't you tell me
what really happened?” and with a tear in his eye, “Did you really think I’m
that cruel that I would have ratted you out?”
Then he calmly said, “It would have been safe with me,” as he left the
room to let me ponder those questions.
I’m not condoning lying to the authorities or unlawfulness. The lesson I learned that day though, was
that no matter what the circumstances were, he would never throw me under the
bus. It developed a trust that is an
unbreakable bond. He will always stand beside me, and he always
has my back.
#4. He Owned It!
One of my
most hurtful and healing moments with my father was the last time he laid his
hands (and belt buckle) on me. In a
moment of aggravation and anger, I hurt my little brother severely within earshot
of where my father was tinkering in his work shed. He came unglued! It was the worst beating I ever had in my
life. After he had left my room for a
period of time, he returned for what I feared was round 2 of a punishment that
would make the most hardened criminal talk.
However, that was not the case.
He came in, with tears in his eyes, seemingly in more pain than I was,
owned his negative actions and asked for forgiveness. Even though all his anger did not go away
that day, it was the last day he ever laid an angry hand on me. That day, I believe rather than lashing out,
blaming, or condemning someone else, he owned his own pain and hurt. As a consequence, he started a healing
process that is a great example still to this day.
#5. Little Things are Big Things.
The last
lesson that I learned from my father that I would like to share that I try to
incorporate with my own children is that little things are big things. It's usually not the big elaborate vacations
(albeit enjoying!) or events that really stick in our kids’ heads when they
recall times with us. It’s often the
simple, little things that find a way in our memory. For example, my very first business trip I
ever took, years and years ago, my father picked me up and chauffeured me to
the airport. As he dropped me off, he
handed me a note, with a verbal instruction not to read until I got on the
plane. I complied with his request. As the plane took off, I quickly reached for
the handwritten note he had given me. In
his own words he stated, “I don't tell you enough, but I am proud of you.” It wasn't a Caribbean Cruise or a new car he
offered that day. It was much more
simple, but so profound. That yellow
lined piece of paper, which I carried in my wallet for years and now sits in a
lock box, is one of my greatest treasures.
Sometimes, simple is superior.
I said all that to get to
here. I couldn't see everything good
that my father did well until I stopped being angry, until I stopped being a
victim, until I stepped out of my fear. Funny
thing is, the more I did just that, so did my father. Today we have a great relationship, and I
treasure the time I have together with my father. He’s also gotten the chance to try again with
his grandchildren! And he’s doing a
great job! So, as an exercise to you on
this father’s day week, I would challenge you to look at your own relationship
with your own father. Let us show the
way for our children and grandchildren by offering forgiveness of past hurts,
not dwelling on the past, seeing nuggets of truth and love in seemingly
negative circumstances, being loyal to those we love, becoming involved in
their lives, owning and taking responsibility for what is ours. All the while, keeping it simple and
sweet. In closing, I would like to take
the lead in this challenge by saying to my own father, “Dad, I’m proud of you,
and I’m glad you are my dad! I think
you’re awesome, man!
Be well,
Eric
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