Human Nature vs. Woman Nature?

Human Nature vs. Woman Nature?

            I’m not sure if it was coincidence or not, but shortly after I got married, I learned a valuable lesson.  The lesson was this, there was human nature and then there was woman nature.  I can’t say that I have it completely figured out yet, but I have realized that a simple understanding of brain chemistry can go a long way between a man and a woman in overcoming many of the barriers in marital and parental relationships.  Here are some of the things I’ve learned through study and research, from the thousands of couples and families that I’ve worked with, and from my own experience.  Also, here’s what some of the differences are and what we can do about them.

            When the brain is at rest, research tells us, and every woman that has been around a man for any amount of time, is that when a man is at rest, 70% of his brain shuts down.  He stops thinking.  However, when a woman is at rest, 90% of her brain is typically still going.  The common scenario is then this: man sits down, puts on the TV, and shuts almost his full mental capacity down.  Enter the woman, who sits down and then proceeds to ask the man, “What are you thinking about?” 

            To which the man states, “Nothing.”

            “How could you not be thinking about anything?  You have to be thinking about something?!”  Then back and forth we go.  The lesson here is that he’s not just checking out on his wife, he’s checking out on the world, and it’s natural.  She’s not asking him things to annoy him on purpose; she really is thinking through things and is looking for someone to think through them with.

            When we take a look at structural differences within the brain, we are able to understand why there are other reasons we get into trouble with each other.  The amygdala, which is responsible for our emotional responses, tends to be significantly larger in men than in women, which engages men to seek out more risk-taking behaviors and be more emotionally reactive, sometimes quicker to anger.  The hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and calming the outpouring of stress from the amygdala, is significantly larger in women, which allows women to be more empathetic, comforting and to typically remember more.

            One last difference of importance is how the sexes process language.  Men usually process language on one side of their brain, which is why they usually quickly start the conversation and then quickly move on.  On the other hand, women usually process language on both sides of their brain, which is why they have a tendency, as men would say, to go on and on and on.

            With all these differences, can come great agony or great balance.  To create great balance and a more complementary team, practice some of the following:

1. Embrace one another’s differences.  Trying to change the other typically makes it worse.  Learn to enjoy the differences and the balance it can create for your marriage and for your children.
2.  Understanding one another – Instead of being unconsciously competitive with each other, move to be consciously complementary to each other.  Find time to focus on strengths and let your partner compensate for your shortcomings, making both of you stronger.  Then weaknesses become irrelevant and a higher level of physiological regulation occurs in the household. 
3. Don’t expect things to change if you’re not willing to change first.  If it’s peace you seek, be the first to be peaceful.  If you seek to be loved, love first.  If you need something from your mate, give them what they need first.
4.  For kids – Be succinct.  Kids, especially boys, have a tendency to listen to their fathers more because of the brevity of the conversation.  Sometimes kids can get overwhelmed by all the words.
5. For Kids - Validate and be compassionate.  Mothers have a tendency to listen more and be empathetic.  Instead of arguing, we could stand to learn from one another.
6.  For Women - “Land the plane, Darling.”  Get to the point and skip all the details. 
7. For Men – “Pump the brakes, Handyman.”  Don’t try to fix it all the time.  She just needs you to listen and validate.
8. Men and Women – Men don’t expect your wife to be your best buddy, and women don’t expect your husband to be your best girlfriend.
9. Find balance.  I believe we were created differently for a reason.  Instead of arguing and trying to change each other, search for the value of having the differences inside a household and the benefits of what it brings to marriage and parenting. 

To conclude, remember, knowing and doing are two different things.  Many of the items that I have reviewed, most people know.  Yet, most households still struggle with them.  To improve at understanding the differences, you have to practice, fail, and practice some more.

Be Well,

Eric